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2009년 05월 3일
Its Sunday.
Yesterday, I decided enough was enough. I was f***king hungry. I wanted some REAL food. I wanted something that I would enjoy!
I had the frozen yogurt.
During the first two bites, I was thinking to myself, "Oh god, this is so good... but I know myself, and when this is gone, I am going to go in search for more. Better, fattier, sweeter, "more-forbidden" foods! Shit, shit shit!"
I took Dawn's advice (as well as many of my other buddys' advice) and just savored every little bite. I paused and asked myself what was so great about it.
The coconut was divine. The banana- perfectly ripe, but not mushy. The pineapple was tangy but sweet. The yogurt was cold and creamy.
I finished, and surprisingly I was satisfied. It took a lot of positive self talk to convince myself that I wasnt "bad" or that I should not feel guilty.
I am done feeling guilty. I am done beating myself up. That is what causes me to binge. From now on, I am not allowing myself to feel guilty. I'm just going to say "forget it," and move on. Thats what I used to do.
I took note that before I started recording my food on FS, before I started counting calories, I felt no guilt whatsoever for anything that I ate. Before, I was always shameless and resilient. I never craved sweets because I was satisfied with the healthy foods I was eating.
I know what I need to do. Its just a matter of re-learning how to do it now. I did it in the past, and thats how I lost so much weight in 2007 and 2008.
I did over eat last night, but it was very mindless eating while I was watching House. lol I stopped when I realized I was feeling sick. I need to pay more attention to the reasons why I am eating, and what my body is telling me. I especially need to practice intuitive eating.
Okay, I sound like a broken record. Uggghhh. Why cant I just
do
this? I guess its harder than it seems.
(3개의 댓글)
2009년 05월 2일
Its Saturday.
YAY! I made it through the infamous friday night!
Despite their being homemade chili in the fridge, and cookies and a loaf of french bread in the cupboard.
But wait... now that I think about it, honestly, I wasnt in the mood for those things. Probably because the whole time I was in the kitchen cooking the chili and BBQing hot dogs, I had my appetite's eye on a greek salad for dinner. Or, maybe it was because I had honored my hunger and had a snack around 5, with dinner being around 7. So i was perfectly hungry for dinner, but not ravenous.
To add to that yesterday, I woke up kinda late, and I worked out, so those are the reasons my calories were so low.
When I saw that I had only taken in about 915 (even with a fruit bar after dinner!) I was starting to tell myself that I was "good". I need to stop that!
Later on last night I felt the lack of calories!
EVERY time I eat under 1200, or dont get enough protein, my quads ache like hell! I can't even sleep at night. I toss and turn and just want to cry. I lay there massaging them for hours. Then the constant headaches start. If I do not get enough calories/nutrients, I get this migraine that will not go away. Its literally there 24/7. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it.
I have no idea how I survived on 800-1000 calories a day at one point. And I wasnt losing weight doing that, either.
So if i have learned anything, yet again, it is to honor my hunger; Feed my body adequately with the nutrients I need to be healthy.
Of course, this is harder than it seems. It seems easy, right?
Just eat. Make smart choices.
Ugh. its never that easy.
SkinnyJeans left me a very interesting comment in my yesterday's journal.
"girly... why would you make yourself throw up? I think you need a break. Not from dieting, because that will make you too anxious. You need a break from this site maybe. You need to find something to channel your energy into. It's become an obsession. I know how it feels. Thankfully I went on vacation at the same time where my focus on my weight was becoming unhealthy. You need to deal with this in a healthy way sweety or you'll end up hurting yourself. Take care, k? "
I know exactly what she means. The reason I threw up? I ate too much, and sometimes, I throw up automatically (no need to make myself because if i eat too much too fast, my stomach just tosses it back).
But on tuesday, I did make myself, mainly because I cannot stand the feeling of being stuffed. I feel guilty, ashamed, disgusted. You all know the feelings. I have just come to a point where I cannot sit through them.
Its interesting that my boyfriend told me almost the exact same things last night. I realized he is.
I have nothing to do but focus on food, my weightloss, or nutrition.
I am in online classes right now so I can still be home to take care of my mom's needs. I barely get out of the house, and when I do its to run errands for her, take her to the doctors, or go to the doctors myself. I never really have any alone/down time. And if I do, I find myself on FS, or reading about food online. I cant even go to youtube without looking up work out tutorials or nutritional stuff. I enjoy learning about diet, exercise and nutrition. But I think you guys are right... its become an unhealthy obsession for me.
I wish weight loss would take a back seat for once. I would like to go out and get working again or go to school on the actual campus, but my mom insists that it wont be possible until September. I am not getting my hopes up. She will most likely make some other excuse when August comes around. I am going to talk to my dad about it and ask him if I can go get a job. I would pay them gas money to take me, since I dont have my own car. I dont mind. Anything to take my complete focus off of food and weight loss.
On a more positive note, The size 10 jeans no longer have the muffin top effect, even straight out of the dryer!
(3개의 댓글)
2009년 05월 1일
Its friday!
Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up early again, which made breakfast earlier, and that means more calories. But from Tuesday, I learned that I have to honor my hunger. I did for most of the day yesterday, but in the back of my mind I knew that I had to eat out late with my family since we were picking my dad up. I was so stressed out about it that I overate my 'dinner' before we left. I had an extra 125 calories in almonds and some grapes. I sorta binged on strawberries yesterday too and I did end up throwing up. :[
I am very disappointed in myself, but today I am moving on.
It does me NO GOOD to beat myself up about it. In fact, if I do beat myself up about it, I get stressed and just eat more.
From now on, I cannot stress this enough:
I need to honor my hunger so that I dont over eat
I need to continue the positive self-talk so that I do not get depressed and use food to cope.
I need to focus on other things besides food!
My intentions are to be healthy, not weigh x-amount of weight!
I am so close to being under 160, but I keep sabotaging myself by allowing the weightloss/dieting game to get the best of me.
Positive thoughts. I just need to keep my head held high, and think positive thoughts.
okay, going to work out now.
(3개의 댓글)
2009년 04월 29일
Oi, I did not honor my hunger today.
Since I woke up extra early and ate breakfast right away, I tried to 'stretch' my calories by eating low calorie foods. I really, really need to find the right foods to satisfy me because being hungry makes me feel so weak. I dont think I got enough calories through out the day. I could really feel it. My legs were so sore all day, my head hurt, I felt nauseous and dizzy. Uggghhh! How did I ever survive on such little calories?!
And I ended up eating more at dinner than I had planned! I ate chicken spaghetti AND chicken Caesar salad. If I had just honored my hunger, I wouldnt have felt like chowing down the whole kitchen, and would have consumed less in the end (although, i didnt do that bad at 1280, I just overate at dinner, and that made me feel like poo).
If I have learned anything today, it is this: HONOR YOUR HUNGER, RESPECT YOUR FULLNESS, AND DONT STRESS ABOUT THE NUMBERS!!
*frustrated! Grrrrr!*
(5개의 댓글)
2009년 04월 28일
Its Tuesday.
And I am excited to watch the biggest loser tonight! its their last week on campus. I cant wait to watch the finale, either! Cant wait to see everyone who was eliminated, like Dan. I bet he has lost so much.
I was looking at my weight history today and noticed that I hit 162 the week before I had surgery. During December I gained back 5 pounds from not being able to exercise, and yes I will admit, I did eat a lot of junk food during that time... it was the holiday season! How could I pass up Christmas candy and ham? haha
Then in January when I was able to work out again, I lost those five pounds, and was where I am now.
Why I went into self-destruct mode in the middle of January and ended up weighing 178 (again!!!!) by the middle of February, I have no idea... Actually, I have a few. Ha
I
do
remember being very stressed when my mom went in for her surgery and I didnt have a whole lot of choices as far as food to eat. So I ate whatever my family (which was my brothers' choice) was eating. It was usually something like a burger joint. Grilled Chicken sandwiches arent the choice I would usually make, but they had to do. I guess I felt overwhelmed.
Well, that is the past. And now, I have maintained for about a month. They say the less you weigh the harder it is to lose the weight. That makes sense. I also read an article that said if you're trying to lose just 10-20 pounds, it might take a month (a whole month!) of effort before your body starts to lose actual fat. I'll have to find that article again to reassure me that this weight WILL come off. In fact, I feel it. I dont see it on the scale YET, but my clothes fit better, and I just feel better. I'm happier with myself, and I think I deserve some credit for that.
I am getting used to letting things go, and there for I am getting better at not stressing myself out. I am also getting better at eating intuitively instead of relying on external cues, like the appropriate time to eat, what someone else is eating, or the amount of calories. I try not to let myself get too hungry. Not only is it annoying, but I end up eating a whole lot more later on. There are some days where I am just not hungry, and there are other days where I feel like an eating machine and NOTHING seems to satisfy my hunger. I am getting better at telling myself this is "normal". There will higher calorie days than others. I am accepting that slow and steady loss is way better than gaining the weight back.
And as far as work outs go, I am pushing/challenging myself, but I am remembering that if I get burnt out on a routine, I tend to get tired, feel overwhelmed and quit. I'd rather only exercise every other day or three times a week and feel good about it than exercise every day and feel like its still not good enough.
I hope I am doing the right things. I dont know if i am heading in the 'right' direction, but its definitely a better path to take than I was on a few months ago...
Only time will tell, but I have a very good feeling i'll be seeing results soon!
(5개의 댓글)
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