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2009년 04월 8일

Well, lets see. Its been a while. So whats new, buddies? I need to make my rounds and read me some journals.
My quads are not burning anymore! yay!
I am 'back on track' with my eating after a weekend of junk food. I just found out that that kinda food doesnt make good fuel, and honestly, I think I'll pass most (if not all of it for the next few weeks) up. I enjoy exercising too much. HAHA
Yesterday I really couldnt do my full cardio because I was suffering a food hang over from sunday. Has anyone ever had those? You eat too late at night or you go to bed on a full stomach, and you wake up feeling dead. My mouth was dry, my stomach ached, and I just felted bloated and heavy. Ehhh. No Bueno. No bueno at all.
I'm glad I feel better today.
I kept my exercise on track though this weekend, so thats a plus!
Haha

I have discovered that I am no longer eating healthfully and exercising to solely lose weight, as I was in the past. I am doing it because it makes me feel better. I feel the difference.

I havent thrown up/binged/purged in 22 days. My counselor says to give myself a couple more months and I will never have those feelings again. For the first time in a long time, I know I am going
to be okay. Even if I slip up, its not the end of the world.

So yesterday, I decided that I was going to live in the moment, and I dyed my hair. I was waiting until I reached my goal, but I just decide I didnt want to wait. Its now Red! I am going to post a picture later today. ANNNDDDD

I think I am going to post a picture of me two years ago, at around 250 pounds. Its the only one i have. Not at my heaviest weight, but very close.

I just feel like I need a severe reality check, and making it public would be a really big step

I have to give myself credit for that. And I think it will reinforce my intuitive eating strength. I can look at it, and it will remind me how far I have come.

(4개의 댓글)

2009년 04월 8일

Its...*looks at calender* Wednesday?! Already???

Wow, this week is flying by.
Tomorrow is thursday already, and my parents anniversary. We are supposed to go to red lobster, but my mom threw a tantrum last night and she is still playing the victim.

Okay, so I am going to write a journal about my struggles on the home front.
A better journal will follow for those who dont want to be bored with same-old-same-old drama.

My mom will swear up and down, left and right that food NEVER effects her. she used to tell all her doctor's that she ate nothing but baked and broiled fish and chicken with vegetables. She never mentioned the carrots cake for dessert and then how she had another slice and a half for breakfast. Ha.
Its been two months since her surgery and up until last night she was still denying that she missed certain foods or that she was faced with temptation once in awhile.
Last night, my brother, my mom and I went to the store (and yes, SHE was actually up and at the store. Why? Because she said she wanted to pick out food for herself).
My brother wanted stuff to make smores on the BBQ. She told us we couldnt get that, but when my brother said, "But dad said it was okay" she started getting upset like a little girl. She said, "Fine, you all can do whatever the f*** you want!"

I knew she was upset that she couldnt have some, but she wouldnt admit it. I told her to gently tell my brothers and my dad that it would make her uncomfortable, but she didnt. she just sulked and gave us dirty looks. Eventually she grabbed her purse and stormed off. At first, I thought she had taken the car and left us in the store, but i found her in the bathroom. She told me that I was supposed to do the regular grocery shopping and she was going to buy food just for herself and make her own dinner.
Laughable.

Well, she did do her shopping. Good for her. But when we got home she went upstairs to sulk and play on her computer, and I cooked her dinner as usual. Not willingly though. I am really getting tired of my mom's attitude.
She was still butt hurt over the smores last night.
So much that she brought up an incident that happened a few days ago.

on sunday night, we all went to Hometown Buffet (not my kinda place to eat, honestly) and while we were there I was practicing my intuitive eating. I had had a salad for lunch, so I just skipped the salad bar all together. But since a lot of their food looked and smelled unappetizing I kept sampling things, discovering it was not worth eating, and going back in search of something that was. Finally, I got some turkey and corn bread dressing (thanksgiving in april, anyone?) and I sat down to eat the tiny portions I had picked up. My mom looks at her plate (jello is the only thing on it since thats all she could have) and then at me from across the table. She asks me what I got, and after I reply, she said, "Oh, that must have a gazillion calories!"
I finish my 'real food' but I was still hungry. The 'real food' no longer looked appealing. So I headed for the desserts. The only thing worth going to HtB is their desserts. Damn them and their bread pudding! But I wanted some and it seemed well worth it. Might as well enjoy myself while I was there, right?
Well, not with my mom. Because of course she had to say something to me. She asked me "How many calories do you think is in that bread pudding, and the soft serve, too?" Little did she know it was their no-sugar-added/nonfat frozen yogurt.
We went to the movies a couple hours later. She asked me to get a drink for her while she got seats. I was starting to get hungry again, and since i NEVER get theater food, I wanted a pretzel and some popcorn. So I got them. And as I nibbled my popcorn, she said to me, "I dont know how you can eat so much..." in such a condescending way. It made me put down my popcorn. But then I thought about it and I voiced to her, "You know what, I havent really eaten a lot of these things. I have nibbled and grazed, and ENJOYED my eating. And I am fine with that."
Perfectly fine, mother, THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH!!!!

I really dont get it. You all know the story of my mom, so I wont repeat myself.
I have talked to my counselor about my mom, and she thinks there might be a feeling of competition or jealousy there, even if mom's are 'supposed' to do that. I dont want to believe that because I love my mom, and I really would hate to think that she feels that way about me. Last night she finally admitted that she was upset about not being able to eat dessert or popcorn on sunday. I told her if she wasnt always saying how it 'never effects her' I wouldnt have eaten it in front of her. If i knew I was making her uncomfortable, I'd stop. I have never ever rubbed it in her face that I lost all this weight on my own, or that I can eat all the things she cant. I never want her to feel that.
And not to sound whiny, but I feel like she's singling me out. Well, at least when it comes to food and weightloss issues. She never tells my brothers or my dad "you shouldnt be eating that!" or "Do you know how many calories are in that? Tisk, tisk."
My counselor and my boyfriend says that she does it to me because she has seen me work so hard to lose weight, and I have, and I have still been able to eat what I want.
I dont want to believe that she feels jealous of me or mad at me. Then I feel like I have done something wrong.
But a lot of things she does or says proves it.

When it comes to anything else really my mom is just pissed at everyone, but of course she is the victim and has done nothing wrong. My dad feels like she wants out of the marriage and is tired of being a wife and mother because she doesnt have everything she wants. There really is no husband in the world who is devoted to their wife as much as my father is devoted to my mother. He treats her like damn queen, spoils her to death, and she doesnt appreciate it. And there are times when she will try to give me things, like opportunities to get a mani and pedi with her, but I told my dad, "I dont even think she wants me to go with her because she wants to give me something. She wants me to go because she's bored. Someone has to be there to be her number one fan."
I refused to the pedicure and manicure, btw. Thats how much I dont want to be around my mom.
Oi...
what am I to do? lol

(7개의 댓글)

2009년 04월 5일

It sunday.

Ugh, what a weekend. I ate ice cream and cinnamon rolls that I shouldnt have. And the cheese potatoes. And the french bread.
The french bread wasnt huge problem, i just need to work on moderation.

I've discovered that cinnamon rolls might taste good, but they are now too rich for my body.

Note to self: JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE CINNAMON ROLLS.

Okay, so... moving on.

...moving on...

I am pretty pissed off that my quadriceps are still sore and I cant do much to alleviate or 'heal' them.

I am looking forward to tomorrow's work out. I am going to start circuit training. BUT MY QUADS NEED TO STOP HURTING!
UUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

(2개의 댓글)

2009년 04월 3일

Its Frrriiiiiidaayyyy!

Ah, good morning, Fat-Secret-ers!

I woke up this morning with a strange hankering for a fried egg, ham and cheese breakfast sandwich. I think it had something to do with reading the Super Market Survival Guide before I went to bed. haha

I also woke up this morning feeling confident and energized. I feel like April is a clean slate. Plus, I just feel so much better than I have in weeks. Its something so internal I cant really describe it correctly.
Well, I did put that confidence to good use. I took a very BOLD move and weighed myself. TWO POUNDS DOWN! I have been eating more, so I wouldnt have expected it. I guess I will start again, but remember to keep in mind its just a number! There will be fluctuations and what-have-you-nots. I'm not going to take it as seriously as I once did. Or I'll just have to keep telling myself, "Slow and steady, Slow and steady."

I finished Intuitive Eating yesterday. I read through Appendix A and B again last night to remind myself of everything I have learned. Since I was ravenous at dinner, it was tempting to overeat. I did catch myself in the kitchen looking for random tid-bits after I knew I was full. So i asked myself, "If I am not hungry, what am I? Lonely? Angry? Sad? Bored? Food is not what I need. Then what do I need?"
Sure enough, it was a case of boredom. I removed myself from the kitchen and the munchies were soon gone when I distracted myself with reading. I did sneak in 2 more dark chocolate Altoids, but they were well worth it. haha

It hasnt been easy, i guess you could say, but it is becoming more natural to me every day. And the more I practice, the easier it gets.
I dont want to jinx myself!!!!!!
But I have not binged and purged in 17 days- more than two weeks.
I over ate about a week ago. That wednesday was a f***ing HARD day. I'm not saying that was an excuse, I'm just saying there was a real reason. Something in my life wasnt right and my over eating was a symptom of my unhappiness.

I'm glad to report that as far as my eating goes, (hell, i guess you could say in my general life) I am much happier.
You'd never really think that the way you eat and the foods you eat could effect your life so dramatically. But it really does.
WE ARE WHAT WE EAT!

Oh, and I couldnt possibly find the time to work out Wednesday or Thursday, but! It was a wonderful break for my muscles so I am kind of glad haha I am going to work out today though. I am very excited to get into the game again.

I'm going to have a snack and get started. And i'd like to say Have a great weekend to all my buddies!

(8개의 댓글)

2009년 04월 3일

체중:	지금까지 감소한:	남은양:	다이어트 실행도:
73.0 kg	22.2 kg	7.3 kg	합리적

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