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girlygirlatheart
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2009년 04월 1일
Its Tuesday night, almost Wednesday-in-the-AM.
I
did
end up doing a strangely-collaborated work out, yesterday, and then walked for an hour today.
I did stretch my quads out, as my good buddy madaboutmoose suggested, it and did help! But I think what I really need is to rest them tomorrow and thursday. I cant do a nice, long, full workout like this. The sooner they're healed, the sooner I can kick some more ass.
As I may have mentioned, I am reading "Intuitive Eating", and it has taught me so much.
I am getting really good at respecting my fullness. I made Mexican food for dinner tonight. I dont remember the last time I had tacos that good. It had been a long, long time. I ate my portion, and felt completely satisfied. It was tempting to nibble at the left overs, but I was full, and wanted to feel good by respecting that satisfaction.
I didnt
want
to eat a bite more. I was very, very proud and happy!
Not only has this book taught me a better way to eat, but a better way to look at weight-loss as a whole.
Its not all about numbers, numbers, numbers.
Its not all about "now, now, now!!!!"
As I read my book today, I did a lot of thinking; thinking, reflecting, and realizing. Rationalizing, even.
Slow and steady wins the race.
It has taken me a long, long time to learn this. But better late than never.
I need to accept that things will not always be perfect.
My eating cannot always be right 'on track'. What I eat, when I eat, where I eat it, etc might not always be 'perfect'.
I need to accept that my exercise schedule might not always be 100% set.
Somedays, I just cant find the time to do a 'complete' work out. Other days, I might need the rest. I should
want
to exercise, not feel obligated to and dread it.
I used to practically kill myself during my work outs. I'd feel exhausted hours afterward. I'm talking completely dead. drained. But now, I feel energized and proud.
And I shouldnt use working outs as a form of punishment or bargaining chip.
I need to respect my body.
I might not like parts of- such as my jiggly thighs, my fat stomach. I wish my back end was higher and rounder. I wish my arms were firmer and tighter. Blah, blah, blah. Its all a work in progress, and I need to stop getting depressed when I look in the mirror.
From now on, i'll be thankful that my thighs are not
as dimplely
as 4 months ago, and my stomach is not as big as one month ago. I'll focus on the positives, not dwell on the negatives. What good does dwelling do me? none. It hurts me.
And I guess I can say, in general,
I need to just R-E-L-A-X.
Stop stressing over the little details- look at the big picture.
Let things go. Dont let the little things that really dont matter in the grand scheme of things get to me.
Its really not hard for me to deal with external sources of stress, like being late for a doctor's appointment, arguing with my mom, breaking up fights at my house. I'm pretty cool and collected. Its when I stress myself out... thats what really gets to me, and thats when I overeat. I've said it before: I am my own worst enemy.
So... no more.
Anyways, as for the smoothie pops! here is a link to the recipe:
Smoothie Pop Recipe
If you google some recipes, you might find more. The calories and grams of protein depend on the type of protein powder you use.
I used Vanilla for mine, so they tasted like banana and strawberries 'n' cream.
Yuuuummeeehhhhh!
(3개의 댓글)
2009년 03월 30일
Its Monday.
And uggggghhhhh, has it been a hard day.
I am debating whether I feel like working out or not. I do, and then again... I dont.
I dont because I have been having shin splints that hurt like a mother, and my thigh muscles are just shot. They have been so, soooo sore! I could barely walk last night! I cant even use my quads to get off the fuggin toilet. I can barely stand up out of a chair. Am i getting enough protein?!?!
But, at the same time, I do want to do
something
to work out since I didnt get a chance at all today, and its supposed to be my day to.
Woke up at 6:30 (too early for me), took brother to school, and then headed out the door wit my mom. We went to walmart, the ford dealership where we dropped off the SUV, then to enterprise, then grabbed lunch (the subway sub I had been craving was finally MINE! YES!), walmart again, picked up brother, and then to best buy. I did lot of walking, and a lot of sitting between places where I read my book. I got through at least three chapters today.
When we finally got home, I made protein pops for me and my mom to have later tonight. I drank a little more of the 'batter' (which was the consistency of a smoothie and very, very good) than I should have for just 'taste testing' it.
It kinda filled me up since I had just had a pretty dense snack. I thought to myself, "Damn it. Now I need to go work out to make up for this."
But I am sore! And I dont want to use exercise as a punishment for myself.
Grrrrrrrr!
I'm trying to ask myself what I
really
want to do.
Since I dont absolutely
have
to work out. There is always tomorrow, and I could definitely use the rest for my extremely sore legs.
I dont know... maybe I will just go for a nice walk. I wish the TV in the family room wasnt broken. Then I could watch something while I just walked on the treadmill. *hhmpphh!*
(7개의 댓글)
2009년 03월 30일
체중:
지금까지 감소한:
남은양:
다이어트 실행도:
73.9 kg
21.3 kg
8.2 kg
합리적
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안정된 체중
2009년 03월 28일
Its Saaattttuuurrddaaayyyy!
Oi, I have had it up to here. *holds a flat hand to my forehead*
Thankfully, its okay. Because I have taken a lot of this anger and fueled it into an intense work out today.
Today's work out was actually fueled by two categories of emotions.
One was happiness- happiness that came from the fact that I didnt binge last night. It seems night time, after dinner, i my most challenging time. I'll eat dinner until I am full, but I just want to eat MORE to binge.
Its taken a lot of conscious thought not to. I do anything at all to keep my busy. When I am not in the mood to write, I watch a movie, or try to do lots of little things like brush my teeth, wash my face, do my nails, etc.
The other set of feelings that fueled my work out today were feelings from thinking about my mom's behavior lately.
I feel hurt, angry, rejected... but when i set those aside, i feel determined.
I dont mean to be all up on my high horse. I just want to show her that I CAN do this.
We took my brother to the dentist yesterday. When he was all done, he said, "They said I could drink something right now, and just wait an hour to eat. So can we go grab a drink and something to eat in a little while?"
I said, "Yeah, can we mom? I'm pretty hungry too."
She turns to me and says, "You want to eat again? You just ate! Do you really think you should be eating again?"
She saw me eat some baby carrots 2 hours before then. So I wasnt f***ing starving, I could have waited until we got home if we were going home right away. But she said we were going to run errands and I knew I wouldnt last another two hours.
But her comment made me furious. I felt like telling her off.
She has no right to say things like that. And she knows it gets to me. Uggghh!
Whatever. I am letting it go. If she makes those kinds of comments, obviously there is something there that she needs to resolve within herself. Its not my issue. I am perfectly fine with the way I eat.
I'm actually hungry now. Time to take a shower and make a snack. Its 3:30 already?! Damn. Almost time to start on dinner lol
(7개의 댓글)
2009년 03월 27일
Its Friday.
Another ending to another long and stressful week.
I overate on wednesday, but I am so glad I was able to pull myself out of that yesterday. I didnt catapult myself into a downward spiral of 'self-destruct' mode, and go out on a quest for junk food.
I ate a lot of high-fiber carbs to counteract the oncoming IBS attack. And as far as exercise goes, I did what I could. It wasnt as intense or long as my normal work out, but it just made me feel
better
.
And despite the fact that my mom caused a huge fight yesterday, I feel much better today. I've had some time to reflect on everything.
I believe I have found the key to initial peace and harmony in my house. Begin each day by just kissing my mom's ass and giving her what she wants.
Even if I cant stand it. It just saves me so much grief and stress.
When she's happy, everyone's happy. Sad, but its just so much smoother for now.
Here's a fine example of what I am talking about.
My mom will ask me to come upstairs, and she'll tell me to make her some food and, "then come back upstairs, I want to talk to you."
Then she will 'talk to me' about her cars, her old boyfriends and their cars, her 120-pounds size 3 clothes she used to wear, how my dad's friend came over for dinner and tried to make her cheat on my father because she was just so "young, thin, and Beeeaaauuu-ti-ful". She'll gossip about the neighbors, make jokes about my brother, etc. Laugh and thinks she's the greatest thing in the whole world, think she's funny and basically talk about things I dont care to listen.
But i suppose I could suck it up and just nod and smile, and act like I'm her number one fan just so she will stop this bullshit.
I've thought about these conversations a lot. Its not that I am jealous that she was 120 pounds at my age.
Pfftt, that is not beautiful to me. My 17 year old brother and I have seen pictures of my mom in a bathing suit at that weight, and she had fried egg status up-top, and you could pop a coke bottle on her hip bones.
She has admitted to me that she ate hardly anything and worked very hard to be that size. "No breakfast, a big chocolate chip cookie for 'lunch' and a salad when I came home." she reminds me of how she ate when I am eating something like bread, which she considers 'fattening'.
Being a 120 pounds is not only unrealistic to me, but... um, news-flash, mom...
its undesirable to me!
I happen to appreciate the body type i have, and if I lost that much weight, I think my fiance would probably start taking me to a waffle house everyday for gravy and biscuits, because he likes his woman curvy, too.
When i tell my mom, "i'm not 100% happy with my body, but I am getting there. Its a work in progress" she reminds me that the world revolves around the 'thin is in' fad. She seems to think no one can love me at 165 pounds, or even 130. I guess 120 and below is the magic number, according to her.
I love igatzke's comment on my last journal.
I'll quote my favorite part: "Also-- suiters and admirers of her thin, beautful body? Times have changed, sweetie! Men love us for our minds (and yes, our wickidly curvy bodies)"
I've always said, I'd rather be a "fat girl" than a flat girl.
Times have changed. My fiance and my 17 year old brother has seen the pressure she puts on me, and have reminded me that theres no need for me to let her get to me. My brother told her, "you know mom, that was 1978, ya know, when glamor models where the ideal image of 'beauty' and thirty years later, we have plus size models who wear size 'whatever'. People are more open and comfortable about their preferences"
Even he gets it.
Uggghhh! I just hate listening to my mom talk about it. But when I change the subject, she says I dont listen to her. If I leave the room, make up some excuse like, "mom, i have to get back to cleaning up" or "sam needs me to help him", she starts fights.
A fine example: Yesterday she started talking to me about the cars, and i told her I was going to lay down. My stomach was killing me from my IBS. She seemed fine with that.
So I ate an english muffin, laid down, and about 20 mins later, I felt better. Since I was feeling better, I told my brother I'd take him to go get his jeans. We'd already asked my mom in the early afternoon, and she said that was fine. But when I went upstairs to ask her if it was okay to go ahead and go at that moment (i always ask my mom for permission to do ANYTHING.) she said no. My brother was furious. He'd gotten ready and dressed for nothing. There was no reason, other than that she was just starting a fight. And she told me if I took the car, she'd call the police and say I stole it.
Later, she said to me, "If you're not well enough to just talk to me, you're not well enough to drive
MY
car."
I cant believe her.
Every caters to her, gets her anything she wants,
trys
our damn hardest to get along with her, and she still tells us how 'stressful' her life is and how no one appreciates her.
I've told my brother my thoughts, and he says it sounds good. Just be really, really nice to her and try to make her as happy as possible. Then she doesnt yell at us, start fights, call us names, put us down, or make things difficult for our whole family.
My dad feels the only reason she hasnt left is because she has nowhere to go, no money of her own, and leaving means she would actually have to work and support herself.
I believe he's right.
*ssiiiiggghhhhh*
I wanted to thank everyone for commenting on my last journal. I dont think I would have to strength to deal with this if I didnt have the support of my FS buddies. I'd probably be trying to get to Mickey-D's for cookies and a soft-serve cone instead of focusing on how I really feel and doing what is right for me.
The urge to binge was very, very strong last night. Even my good eating habits have been off for the last few days because I get so overwhelmed that its hard to find the time to eat correctly. Let alone time to eat all, really. I get ravenous in the evening and that can cause me to binge. Thats what really happened on wednesday.
But with my buddies' support, I was able to stop myself last night. I ate some pasta and toast, and ate only until I was full. I might have had to chew a piece of trident or two, and I brushed my teeth, washed my face, watched the end of a movie, and then called my fiance when he got off work, but I DIDNT BINGE!
YESSS!
I noticed quite a few of my buddies related with me on the issue of having an overbearing, weight-worrying, nagging mother. I feel for you, so very much. And I appreciate your support. It helps to know I'm not the only one.
I'm not alone, and I think that is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I talk to my fiance about weight issues, my mom, my life in general, etc. And he helps me so much.
Eh, but he's not a woman. lol
Its been a long week, and i survived because of you wonderful ladies.
(4개의 댓글)
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