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Day one - of my commitment to journalling.
Feelings this morning...agravation and stress over finances. I didn't stay in those emotions long, but I haven't moved in to complete and utter joy either. Just an attitude of business as usual. Focus on what needs to get done, make a mental list, push out the thoughts of how I will sabotage my to do list and then tell myself to buckle down and do what I gotta do. It would be amazing if I could type fast enough to do a real stream of consciousness journal to see all the twists and turns and subjects and thoughts that fly through my mind in five minutes. Anyway...
My love affair with food.
I was not heavy as a child. I was average in height and weight as far as physician charts would go. I lost my "babyfat" by 7th grade at the onset of puberty and had an athletic build. By my second year of high school I started believing my athletic build was "fat" because I was a size 9 at 135 lbs while other girls were size 5 at 110 lbs. Let's see kind of like Pamela Anderson vs. Paris Hilton...too different body types. It was just something that nagged me in the back of my mind. I was not short on attention from the opposite sex or friends. I just became aware of my body examples: a crass comment whispered from one guy to another
cheerleading try-outs and being asked to mount on my partner's back when I had been a base for 4 years
teasing from an older brother
a well-intended "suggestion" from mom regarding food choices
Okay, so began my inferiority complex. Nahhh,it bagan before then but I am not writing a novel here.
I let my personality shine and put on this air of confidence, in fact most people would never believe I ever felt this way in high school. Although I think my actions are pretty textbook. Next came the world of drinking and drugs. Nothing too hardcore but party, party, party on the weekends. Afterall, that's what teenagers do, right? So stupid. I met my future husband and we started dating, so next came sex, more drinking and more pot smoking. Then I stopped. This is NOT the girl I am. But I felt I was in sooo deep. I did so many things I could not undo and was not prepared emotionally to deal with. I felt very alone. I did not have the kind of relationship with my parents, older sister, or brother to seek advice. So I tried to get my boyfriend (husband) to give it all up too. Then I don't have to do it alone. But we all know how well changing someone else works...NOT! So we fought, we broke up, we got together, and we got pregnant. Through all this food was there comforting my Catholic guilt for being a sinner. I was 50 lbs heavier. My OB/GYN gave me a list of foods to avoid...my first "diet" I needed it. No more late night Cheetos and Doritos, I just started eating healthy and lost some weight. People were funny, worried I was losing weight while I was pregnant...I was HEALTHY I was eating right, I was learning. Fast forward...we graduated, our daughter was born a month later very healthy, her father and I held off on marriage(for a time), he is a great guy, but he continued to drink...heavily.
This feels great. Like cleaning all the junk out of my closets...I can't wait to make more emotional room for the good stuff.
다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2009년 07월 20일:
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1549 kcal
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지방: 58.46g | 단백질: 93.60g | 탄수화물: 189.59g.
아침 식사: banana, non dairy creamer fit & active, coffee, activia fiber, viactiv. 점심 식사: Lowfat Turkey Spinach casser, seasoned rice vinegar, balsamic vinegar, olive oild, sandwich thins arnolds, blue cheese crumbles, almonds, strawberries, romaine, spinach. 저녁 식사: turkey burger, healthy life hamburger buns. 간식/기타: ice cream sammies. 더보기
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