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I finally hit 1,200 calories! Well, as long as I finish my cereal(carefully proportioned, of course) I'm really scared, but this is supposed to be a good thing...I hope.
I weighed 137(all time low!) when I went in to the doctor's this morning, yet 142 when I checked the scale at my mom's fiance's mom's house(yeah, that's not confusing or anything) The scale really does play tricks with your body/mind. I'm not sure what to think...what I really weigh now. I just guessed at around 139 to be safe. I know this proves that I'm not in immediate danger of gaining...much less going back to my near 190 lbs. Still,I guess it's true what this anorexia book said - "Paradoxically, losing weight can make the fear of gaining even worse"
I truly belive this. In fact, this fear is probably what led to this...issue. With every little bit of weight lost I wanted to do more. I wanted to go further, eat less, move more, eat less, cut these foods out, eat less until I got where I am now. At my "goal" weight, but terrified of food, terrified of gaining an ounce. I live every moment in worry of food. When I look at it I see numbers...not actual substance. But, I'm getting better. My mom's being here for me and my bf is giving me the best support I could ask for. My counselor is helping me take care of the emotional causes and roots of this issue as well. I hope things can get better. ^_^
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