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So much stuff going on now, and not in a good way...at all How could this have happened? I thought it wouldn't, I was told it wouldn't. I've gained 3 pounds. I was 144 on may 5, now I've 147 point something. I've cut my food intake, and I've been trying to walk whenever I can...yet I've gained 3 pounds. What's wrong with me? WHy can I never seem to do anything right?
I got weighed while gynecologist's office...I also happened to pass out after I got my examination/tests. I guess I was so worked up and nervous at the thought of anything going on down there, plus he said that sometimes it may cause a patients heart rate to drop. I mean, I almost freakin' cried twice just worrying about the test thingy. Idk, I'm such a wuss. I mean, I've never even tried a tampon, and I passed out after an examination...really?
I also found out that my Nana has passed way... It's awful. I don't have much to say, because I can't really explain who she was to me as a little girl growing up, and how upset I am that she's gone and I never got to visit and right the wrongs that my dad did. It's like another part of my childhood has slipped away from me...a part that I can never get back. The last thing there was for me in my hometown is gone...forever.
I got my license today. Bittersweetness at it's finest I guess. A big part of why I wanted to get my license and a job was so I could save up to drive upand visit my Nana. I wanted to see her...to let her know that she hasn't been forgotten or abandoned. I had no way of contacting her because of where she was staying. I wish things could have been different. it's hard not to blame my dad for this estrangement. I'm going to try though, for her sake
I'm probably just going to start starving myself again. I simply don;t care right now. I'm not going to gain anymore weight, I refuse to allow that to happen. And frankly, I just can't bring myself to care about the effects...not right now. I can't even brings myself to give a shit about the fact that I, apparently, got straight 'A's this past semester...that's how much I just don't care. I want to not worry about anything anymore...I can't take it.
For whoever reads this, I apologize. I didn't mean to get upset. I thought I had bottled up these feelings earlier today. I'm getting a headache trying to keep from crying, actually... Oh well. I had to vent, and I have no where to go to talk about this. Thank you and good night....
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Just remember that this community is here to support you. I'm so sorry about the loss of your Nana. Venting is very healthy, and hopefully it made you feel a little better.
As for the gain, these things happen from time to time, especially when there is a lot of emotional stress in your life. One thing that helps me is channeling negative emotions into a hard work out (or 7). The endorphins released from a good work out help me feel better, and I feel like I'm making some progress towards my goal at the same time.
Good luck hun!! Thankfully tomorrow is a new day.
2011년 05월 12일 작성이: agiesken
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Oh Jackie - so so sorry to hear about your Nana ((((((((((((((Jackie))))))))))))) a big virtual hug for you. Please try not to punish yourself physically for the emotional pain you feel. You need to feel your emotional pain and deal with it, not cover it with physical pain. And 3 pounds - have you seen my weight history I can go up 3 pounds in one day and eat no different from what I've eaten all month, so really 3 pounds is neither here nor there, unless you have eaten 3000+ calories every day and not done any exercises for the last month, the weight gain is temporary, so don't stress yourself out about it. Well done for your driving licence and your straight A's - give yourself and well deserved pat on the back!! And don't apologise for your feelings, you have every right to be upset, you have suffered a great loss, but try and mourn your Nana healthily - perhaps go to a nice quiet place and take some pics of your Nana and have a talk to her and let her know what your plans were and that you were thinking about her.......♥
2011년 05월 13일 작성이: triaby
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Thank you guys...it's been, well, sucky. I finally got to talk an uncle of mine who I haven't seen/heard from since I was 11 or 12(around the time that my dad started refusing to talk to anyone) I'll probably give my aunt a call and send a card. Now that I have my license I'll start planning a trip up there sometime this summer...I really want to.
I'm trying to eat but I'm just not hungry and I have no appetite. My mom's trying to get me to eat anyways... :S
I went for a walk this morning, did a little bit of weight stuff. I've been flying around the house for the past couple hours cooking and calling and cleaning stuff, so I haven't been able to get back to the weights. Gonna throw some chicken in the crock pot for my family, prepare some snacks for my siblings, and go for a walk with my mom when she gets home....hopefully.
2011년 05월 13일 작성이: Jackie_Snape80
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