girlygirlatheart님의 저널, 2009년 05월 2일

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Its Saturday.

YAY! I made it through the infamous friday night!
Despite their being homemade chili in the fridge, and cookies and a loaf of french bread in the cupboard.
But wait... now that I think about it, honestly, I wasnt in the mood for those things. Probably because the whole time I was in the kitchen cooking the chili and BBQing hot dogs, I had my appetite's eye on a greek salad for dinner. Or, maybe it was because I had honored my hunger and had a snack around 5, with dinner being around 7. So i was perfectly hungry for dinner, but not ravenous.

To add to that yesterday, I woke up kinda late, and I worked out, so those are the reasons my calories were so low.
When I saw that I had only taken in about 915 (even with a fruit bar after dinner!) I was starting to tell myself that I was "good". I need to stop that!
Later on last night I felt the lack of calories!
EVERY time I eat under 1200, or dont get enough protein, my quads ache like hell! I can't even sleep at night. I toss and turn and just want to cry. I lay there massaging them for hours. Then the constant headaches start. If I do not get enough calories/nutrients, I get this migraine that will not go away. Its literally there 24/7. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it.
I have no idea how I survived on 800-1000 calories a day at one point. And I wasnt losing weight doing that, either.
So if i have learned anything, yet again, it is to honor my hunger; Feed my body adequately with the nutrients I need to be healthy.

Of course, this is harder than it seems. It seems easy, right?
Just eat. Make smart choices.

Ugh. its never that easy.

SkinnyJeans left me a very interesting comment in my yesterday's journal.
"girly... why would you make yourself throw up? I think you need a break. Not from dieting, because that will make you too anxious. You need a break from this site maybe. You need to find something to channel your energy into. It's become an obsession. I know how it feels. Thankfully I went on vacation at the same time where my focus on my weight was becoming unhealthy. You need to deal with this in a healthy way sweety or you'll end up hurting yourself. Take care, k? "

I know exactly what she means. The reason I threw up? I ate too much, and sometimes, I throw up automatically (no need to make myself because if i eat too much too fast, my stomach just tosses it back).
But on tuesday, I did make myself, mainly because I cannot stand the feeling of being stuffed. I feel guilty, ashamed, disgusted. You all know the feelings. I have just come to a point where I cannot sit through them.

Its interesting that my boyfriend told me almost the exact same things last night. I realized he is.
I have nothing to do but focus on food, my weightloss, or nutrition.
I am in online classes right now so I can still be home to take care of my mom's needs. I barely get out of the house, and when I do its to run errands for her, take her to the doctors, or go to the doctors myself. I never really have any alone/down time. And if I do, I find myself on FS, or reading about food online. I cant even go to youtube without looking up work out tutorials or nutritional stuff. I enjoy learning about diet, exercise and nutrition. But I think you guys are right... its become an unhealthy obsession for me.

I wish weight loss would take a back seat for once. I would like to go out and get working again or go to school on the actual campus, but my mom insists that it wont be possible until September. I am not getting my hopes up. She will most likely make some other excuse when August comes around. I am going to talk to my dad about it and ask him if I can go get a job. I would pay them gas money to take me, since I dont have my own car. I dont mind. Anything to take my complete focus off of food and weight loss.

On a more positive note, The size 10 jeans no longer have the muffin top effect, even straight out of the dryer!

다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2009년 05월 2일:

1606 kcal

지방: 33.13g | 단백질: 81.23g | 탄수화물: 258.89g. 아침 식사: yogurt, strawberries, almond accents. 점심 식사: apple, All-bran crackers, broccoli and cauliflower, cottage cheese, sliced turkey. 저녁 식사: ranch dressing, french bread, romaine lettuce, tomato, spinach, BBQ sauce, chicken breast, focaccia . 간식/기타: trident gum, banana, coconut, pineapple, pinkberry yogurt, strawberries, select harvest soup, english muffin, kashi TLC bar, grapefruit. 더보기

2207 kcal

운동: 앉아있기 - 1 시간, 쇼핑 - 2 시간, 책상 업무 - 4 시간, 걷기 (느리게) - 3km/h - 20 분, 운전 - 25 분, 숙면 - 8 시간, 휴식 - 8 시간 15 분. 더보기

응원하기

{{{hugs}}} I have been where you are all too often. It has been so difficult not to focus solely on the whole diet/exercise thing. Especially when you are getting cheered on for doing just that. My only advice is slow down when you eat and do so completely mindfully so you do not hit that "sick and need to hurl" point. That is the only thing that keeps me from doing so a lot of days. I find I just CAN'T eat that much if I make sure to do it bite by bite and taste every single morsel by chewing and really rolling it around in the mouth...more HUGS!!!

2009년 05월 2일 작성이: dawn0001

Find a hobby to do at home if you get turned down about getting a job. I loved to scrapbook while my hubby was deployed, I don't really make the time for it now but when I'd get bummed out being creative was my outlet. I also took on planting flowers and plants, photography, baking (giving it to others was the best) See if a local vet, school, or church needs volunteers and give them your time. Check into things you'd enjoy doing and make them happen.

2009년 05월 2일 작성이: Howitzerwife

glad you took my advice to heart. Trust me, I know exactly how it feels. I would spend all my time on FS; I would subscribe to online nutritional newsletters which would flood my email; my day revolved around my next meal; I was seriously consumed. The vacation basically overthrew my whole routine (I was being invited twice a day to decadent meals and restaurants; obviously no gym so had to find creative ways to burn calories). It made me healthy. I have a couple of suggestions for you. 1) Unsubscribe to all those nutrition newsletters 2) Don't try to limit your time (say 1 hour a day researching diets, nutrition,etc). The last thing you need is another "limit" to keep track of! 3) IF you can, stop counting calories. Keep track of your food intake in your head, but don't write it down or count. 4) Each time you're hungry, eat lettuce and broccoli. And drink water. As much as you want. Don't even worry bout the calories. 5) Get away from the gym. Subscribe yourself to a team sport. You will burn A LOT of calories and won't even know you're "burning calories". You won't think of it that way. You'll think of it LIKE FUN. 6) Obviously, I suggest a hobby and school; not for weight loss reasons but just for general self-development and learning. I don't know what your domestic situation looks like but you're young. You shouldn't be missing out on life. 7) Relax. Eat when you're hungry. Eat healthy. Exercise because it feels good. It really is simple. You're just overthinking it. I hope this helps! Good luck!

2009년 05월 2일 작성이: skinnyjeans


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