Its Saturday.
YAY! I made it through the infamous friday night! Despite their being homemade chili in the fridge, and cookies and a loaf of french bread in the cupboard. But wait... now that I think about it, honestly, I wasnt in the mood for those things. Probably because the whole time I was in the kitchen cooking the chili and BBQing hot dogs, I had my appetite's eye on a greek salad for dinner. Or, maybe it was because I had honored my hunger and had a snack around 5, with dinner being around 7. So i was perfectly hungry for dinner, but not ravenous.
To add to that yesterday, I woke up kinda late, and I worked out, so those are the reasons my calories were so low. When I saw that I had only taken in about 915 (even with a fruit bar after dinner!) I was starting to tell myself that I was "good". I need to stop that! Later on last night I felt the lack of calories! EVERY time I eat under 1200, or dont get enough protein, my quads ache like hell! I can't even sleep at night. I toss and turn and just want to cry. I lay there massaging them for hours. Then the constant headaches start. If I do not get enough calories/nutrients, I get this migraine that will not go away. Its literally there 24/7. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it. I have no idea how I survived on 800-1000 calories a day at one point. And I wasnt losing weight doing that, either. So if i have learned anything, yet again, it is to honor my hunger; Feed my body adequately with the nutrients I need to be healthy.
Of course, this is harder than it seems. It seems easy, right? Just eat. Make smart choices.
Ugh. its never that easy.
SkinnyJeans left me a very interesting comment in my yesterday's journal. "girly... why would you make yourself throw up? I think you need a break. Not from dieting, because that will make you too anxious. You need a break from this site maybe. You need to find something to channel your energy into. It's become an obsession. I know how it feels. Thankfully I went on vacation at the same time where my focus on my weight was becoming unhealthy. You need to deal with this in a healthy way sweety or you'll end up hurting yourself. Take care, k? "
I know exactly what she means. The reason I threw up? I ate too much, and sometimes, I throw up automatically (no need to make myself because if i eat too much too fast, my stomach just tosses it back). But on tuesday, I did make myself, mainly because I cannot stand the feeling of being stuffed. I feel guilty, ashamed, disgusted. You all know the feelings. I have just come to a point where I cannot sit through them.
Its interesting that my boyfriend told me almost the exact same things last night. I realized he is. I have nothing to do but focus on food, my weightloss, or nutrition. I am in online classes right now so I can still be home to take care of my mom's needs. I barely get out of the house, and when I do its to run errands for her, take her to the doctors, or go to the doctors myself. I never really have any alone/down time. And if I do, I find myself on FS, or reading about food online. I cant even go to youtube without looking up work out tutorials or nutritional stuff. I enjoy learning about diet, exercise and nutrition. But I think you guys are right... its become an unhealthy obsession for me.
I wish weight loss would take a back seat for once. I would like to go out and get working again or go to school on the actual campus, but my mom insists that it wont be possible until September. I am not getting my hopes up. She will most likely make some other excuse when August comes around. I am going to talk to my dad about it and ask him if I can go get a job. I would pay them gas money to take me, since I dont have my own car. I dont mind. Anything to take my complete focus off of food and weight loss.
On a more positive note, The size 10 jeans no longer have the muffin top effect, even straight out of the dryer!
다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2009년 05월 2일:
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1606 kcal
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지방: 33.13g | 단백질: 81.23g | 탄수화물: 258.89g.
아침 식사: yogurt, strawberries, almond accents. 점심 식사: apple, All-bran crackers, broccoli and cauliflower, cottage cheese, sliced turkey. 저녁 식사: ranch dressing, french bread, romaine lettuce, tomato, spinach, BBQ sauce, chicken breast, focaccia . 간식/기타: trident gum, banana, coconut, pineapple, pinkberry yogurt, strawberries, select harvest soup, english muffin, kashi TLC bar, grapefruit. 더보기
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2207 kcal
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운동:
앉아있기 - 1 시간, 쇼핑 - 2 시간, 책상 업무 - 4 시간, 걷기 (느리게) - 3km/h - 20 분, 운전 - 25 분, 숙면 - 8 시간, 휴식 - 8 시간 15 분. 더보기
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