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Just wanting to relate my feelings to paper right now.(digital anyway) For the last 2 or more hours I have been going through my closet. I have kept every pair of pants I have had for years because there is a size 11 down to the size I am now.....22. I just feel so down. How did it ever get this bad? I thought I was fat at size 11/12 and I look at myself now. (But for the time I was just fine..a little chubby but fine)Just so depressing.
Years I have been doing the wrong stuff and let people eat at my self esteem and tell me I am fat. (ugly..etc) All that time was spent on feeding my feelings, trying to starve myself, and then trying to cover up my body like a nun.When really all that stuff was setting me back more than I ever knew. The clothes I have kept was always for the reason "I will lose some weight and wear those jeans again." Its been ever since I reached puberty and have been struggling mainly through high school.
Just ugh no more doubts, excuses, and self loathing because Im not the ideal woman. I don't want to feel this down...I don't want to feel its all for none. It was my fault it got this bad and I am disgusted at myself. All I can do think to do is push on even more.
I think maybe I need a membership to a gym. Maybe it will make me feel like I have to. The only thing is I am very very self conscious. Instead of concentrating on myself getting fit it's on my self image. Every one at those gyms are usually filled with others so fit and I feel like a joke. (I know im not a joke but I can't reason with myself with it has to do with feeling inadequate.)
다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2010년 11월 16일:
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1226 kcal
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지방: 26.76g | 단백질: 47.51g | 탄수화물: 204.76g.
아침 식사: syrup, eggs, Honey wheat bread. 점심 식사: Banana. 저녁 식사: Crisp, Tea, ranch dressing, onion, potato, Pot roast. 간식/기타: Honey nut cheerios, skim milk. 더보기
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