Back after a hell of a downward spiral. Time to reboot...
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I'm just going to start typing to get this out. My journal is on private right now because I'm embarrassed about the epic failure that was supposed to be easy maintenance. Eventually I'll go public again and it will be good to have this written down.
At my lowest weight (180ish), I felt on top of the world. I was the healthiest I had ever been. Somehow I sit here typing at near 240 two years later wondering what the fuck happened. There weren't any extreme events, just a slow progression of slight gains that added up to the 'fluffyness' I'm carrying around now.
My gains started with my girlfriend, not to say that she was the cause (she wasn't), the time just coincides. Anyway, I was a forever alone with nothing to do but track calories and work out like crazy. After I met my gf those things started to matter less. I should have kept it up, but I didn't, and I have no one but myself to blame.
For the first year of our relationship I gained a bit... I guess what you might call comfort weight, but I stayed steady at around 200 without much effort. Unfortunately I lost my job last year and that's where everything hit the fan. I was unemployed for 4 months and the bills/debt just started piling up. Maybe I was depressed, but I just didn't care about tracking calories anymore. What's weird is I stayed incredibly fit during this period, but fat. I finished 50 mile bike races, half marathons, etc. all while heavy. Maybe I was kidding myself that since I could do these feats of fitness the weight didn't matter. Regardless, no amount of exercise can overcome a shitty diet.
So that's where I am now. Well, I was 240. I've started to get back on track and I've lost 3 pounds in the last week.
Just writing this out I already feel better. Even if nobody reads this it's good to have out there. I think I'll go ahead an make the journal public again now just so I might get some feedback / encouragement from the site. Maybe that's what was missing all along. Maybe if I'd been here logging I would have noticed & fixed my habits earlier. Oh well, I can't fix the past, but I can fix the present.
I feel broken. Time to pick up the pieces.
And now... your moment of zen.
