Toumina님의 저널

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2018년 06월 5일

Getting sick was probably the best thing that happened to me.

I saw an old Facebook post today, back from when I was that other person - the one I don't even recognize anymore and sometimes feel like I'm hiding from. She was celebrating being hired for a new position at a new company. It was a big time job for big time money, and I remember her feeling like this was it, that the dues had finally all been paid and she had finally made it and was going to finally reap her rewards.

She got two years before it started falling apart, maybe not even that looking back and seeing the symptoms for what they really were.

We still don't know exactly what it is. There have been more than few theories. An extended virus? A digestive disorder? Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction? Fibromyalgia? We just don't know. All we know is that it's definitely a zebra. Tests are always just within the margins. My doc says that my body does an amazing job at maintaining homeostasis, and while that's a benefit as far as my blood pressure and blood sugar go, it sucks when you're trying to figure out why other things are spazzing out.

But getting sick... saved me. I liked having power. I liked being in control. I liked the money, and the attention, and the jealousy, and the status. I liked it all so much, that I focused on nothing else. And in that time, my husband was out doing I still don't even know what all, and my mother was practically raising my kids, and I had no meaningful friendships only people who wanted something from me.

I wasn't a good person. I wasn't a good wife. And I definitely wasn't a good mother.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm super awesome now. I'm still most definitely a work in progress. But I feel like I've gotten my priorities straight, like I've learned what real love is and how to give it, and this feels good. I feel like the more I turn from the way I used to be, the more blessed I am, and I can't help but be grateful that I had this wake up call.

I'm thankful that I got sick. But the weirdest thing? As I've grown, I've healed. The further I get from that person I used to be, the fewer attacks I have, the more energy I have, the more life I have in me.

I don't know what purpose this post serves other than exploring if one can have a sickness of the soul. Not being possessed by evil or anything like that, but if you can be so removed from everything that connects you meaningfully with the world around you that it makes you physically sick in ways that can't be medically identified, and that righting that imbalance can remove the sickness.

I don't know. But whatever path I'm on currently seems to be the right one, in more ways than one.

(6개의 댓글)

2018년 05월 31일

Finally! Plateaus are the worst! Not much this week, but I'm hoping for a big drop next week.

체중:	지금까지 감소한:	남은양:	다이어트 실행도:
102.3 kg	8.3 kg	36.6 kg	합리적

(2개의 댓글) 주 0.5 kg 감소하기

2018년 05월 24일

Working out is great! The temporary gain while my body gets used to it is not!

Just another week... Just another week... Just another week...

체중:	지금까지 감소한:	남은양:	다이어트 실행도:
102.9 kg	7.8 kg	37.1 kg	합리적

(2개의 댓글) 주 0.2 kg 증가하기

2018년 05월 22일

NSV. This morning, for the first time, I cinched my belt right to the last hole. When I bought this belt, I could barely use it as the first hole was only just enough to get it buckled, my tummy bulged out the top, and forget being able to breathe when I sat. Today, it just fits.

I needed this today. I'm looking at another week of no loss, and probably some minor gain. I knew this would happen when I started working out hard, as this is what *always* happens with my body. I know it's just water weight and swelling from muscles rebuilding. I know I'm losing fat, and now I can absolutely see that even though the scale isn't budging, the inches are.

Another week, and hopefully that'll have been enough time for my body to adjust enough that the scale starts moving again.

(2개의 댓글)

2018년 05월 17일

Finally bit the bullet and added in some heavy exercise this week. I've avoided it so far because I wanted to lose a little weight first to reduce the risk of injury, and because I knew it would make me gain weight.

I'm lucky that I can put on muscle easily, but when the goal is weight loss, it really sucks to see the scale not budging or, even worse, going up. Now, I know this is just water weight from muscles rebuilding and that I'm still losing fat, and I'm trying to detach "success" from the number on the scale, but it's still a work in progress.

Last time I did this, it took 4 weeks to see any weight loss after I started lifting. I've got my diet under better control this time around, though, so I'm hopeful it won't take as long now.

체중:	지금까지 감소한:	남은양:	다이어트 실행도:
102.7 kg	8.0 kg	36.9 kg	합리적

(댓글 1개) 주 0.1 kg 증가하기

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