Eventhough that it may seem that I have given up on this site I promise that I have not. Hell I have hardly been home since Thanksgiving. They say that the average person gains something like 5 pounds over the holidys. And I hate to say but I feel like I have.
So onto my New Years resolutions. Which will start proptly on Sunday. My dad got me a nice bottle of wine for Christmas that I am saving for tomorrow night. :)
Sometimes I wonder why I am not the strong woman that I know I am that I know I can be. Why is it always easier to give up and put off tomorrow what I could have done today. And then when today gets here it gets put off again. I can no longer afford to do this. It is ruining my life my marriage and my happiness. Why do I feel the need to hold all of my emotions inside. Why am I so scared to open my mouth and to be me. I'm sitting here in tears b/c my husband just told me that we aren't going to make it this year if I can't keep the prmises that I have made to him and myself. And its not like they are hard. And god knows that I don't break them intentionally. Him and my chldren are my life and I would die for them.
I think that I have to do for them so much that I put myself on the back burner. Why can't I realize that by doing that I ma huring them and myself. All I want is to be happy and healthy. Feel comortable in my own skin. Not feel like I have to be someone that I am not.
I am so tired of holding myself back, i just don't know how to break this chain. I have spent my whole life holding myself back physically an emotionally from everyone.
And if you knew my husband he is the last person who I need to do that to. He sees right through me and loves me for everything that I am. He wants me to be me. He truely is one of the lat nice guys on this planet. I have just hurt him so much over the years by not being me and he just doesn't understand why.
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